You don't have asthma, your pregnant
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
