If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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