I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
