a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
sarcasm needs its own font
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
