He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
