I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
