can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
