I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She bit a glass in half.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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