I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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