I wanna passion pit in your ass
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
