Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
