Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
