My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
