You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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