O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
