meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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