My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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