I just pynch a tree in the face
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
