I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
