Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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