I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
