shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
