So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize