I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
