i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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