the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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