I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
