final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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