she pinky promised me she was 18
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
