There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize