A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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