my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
