You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
