I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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