I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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