i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
