my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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