Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
