everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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