and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
