I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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