Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
