Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
