Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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