It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
