I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't think brook has ever known best
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Randomize
