I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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