He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize