Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
