good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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