I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
