dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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