I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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