im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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