I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
