He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
