But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
