I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
