On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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