Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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