I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize