When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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