i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
